(better late than never, right?)
Happy Father’s Day: The Official No Daddy Edition
I miss my Daddy.
I’m still trying to figure out if my kids’ daddies are doing us a favor or a disservice by staying out of our lives. Probably a little of both.
Try the new shirt on WITH the new bra, ladies
Don’t let this happen to you….
PS – I know I’m not smiling. I wasn’t happy.
Epilogue
Don’t think for one moment that I spent the entire relationship upset and miserable. There were many brightshiny moments there – moments that were highlighted and underscored and ALLCAPSed against the dull patina of our disagreements.
There was a dubious yet distinct childhood connection – he and my brother played in the same sports league. Their age difference meant they didn’t play on the same team (as far as I know), but he remembers seeing me at games and I remember BEING at the games but don’t remember him. (My brother sort-of remembers him with the haze of memory that comes with being away for years and years).
I was ….as in love as I can be. Contrary to the initial post in this series, I no longer jump expecting to be caught. Nor do I jump from dangerous heights – I cannot afford to be badly hurt again. I loved him with a jaded eye, noticing how easily he gave his physical affection and how reluctantly he committed to his own desire for a less dubious attachment.
He constantly brought up Marriage. I tried to discuss, to explain, to clarify my lack of need/desire/whatever you want to call it for a marriage certificate. I would say “I don’t believe in it” and he would reply “But *I* do!”. It finally came down to me telling him to stop bringing it up, that he had absolutely no right to commit to me when he was still legally married to someone else.
We constantly discussed adding to our already-large family (were we to solidify our relationship in some way). I was (and still am) ambivalent about firmly saying “No more babies I am DONE”. The discussion made him nervous – his youngest is in high school, his older two in college.
We watched movies together in my effort to have “a family occasion”. (In my world if you’re talking marriage, this WILL happen.) We watched Journey to the Center of the Earth with Joe sitting on his lap during the scary parts. We watched The Spiderwick Chronicles with both boys huddled on our laps as the scary monsters got their comeuppance.
He would pull my glasses off my face and say “There she is – there’s the girl I remember” when I grinned up at him myopically.
There was a kind of magic that happened when he caressed me, when we touched, when we kissed. It was the kiss of the long-separated, the newly-together, the couple who had been together forever (or so it seemed).
There were moments of snark, OH how there were. Our First Tiff brought a stuffed animal my way. At work. My eyebrow quirked as I looked at a coworker and said “Wow. So now we’re fifteen.”
We went to Daddy’s workshop, in search of tools. The smell brought immediate tears to my eyes, big tears rolling down my cheeks, the heart’s cry for Daddy surprising me with it’s vehement assertion. He pulled me to him and hugged me. He held my hand as I tried to talk to him, look around with the tears rolling down my cheeks, trying to press on and get done and get out of there before I became completely unhinged.
(It’s a good thing I can touch-type because the memory of that Daddy-smell day has the tears rolling down my face even now.)
I would reach up for a hug and we would stand there, bodies meshed, not-quite-dancing but swaying to our own rhythm. Until inevitably a little one would decide to be jealous and grab one of our legs and hold on for dear life.
He asked me once in our final discussion (TEXT!!!!) if I missed him.
He’s not the man I need, so it doesn’t matter if I miss him or not.
The End
Ed. note: My part is bolded
Good Morning
Morning
Sleep well?
Somewhat
What are you doing today?
Going to the dentist at 1115 thats about it
Sounds fun
Another adjustment
Adjustments for everyone!
U need a stretch adjustment since its been a while
… seriously?
You don’t answer the phone when I call, but I’m supposed to giggle, roll over and put out when you snap your waistband?
Yanno, I may be different than any other girl, but it still hurts to be ignored.
Im here i had the phone turned down while i was in the dentist officd
And babe u aint put out in a while
So you just want sex. Got it. Wish you’d been that upfront to start.
You never would have met my kids.
Cat ot your tounge
U emily u have serious problem
Do tell. Or rather, do text since you don’t want to TALK.
You’re right. I do have a serious problem. I believed you.
U caused this wedge between us and it was all you when it came to your kids and i didnt push u into being my daughter’s parent figure i figured it would come in time but i didnt push it
You’re right., It’s all me.
Well quit it and slow things down and enjoy being with each other
So I should just put out, right?
U should want to spend time with me without fussing all the time with
You should want to TALK to me. Not text all the time.
The reason is we get into fusses and i don’t want to fight with u but if that can change it will be better Close
U have to work tonight
What does it matter?
I wanted to know if u wanted to go out spend some tiime together
I can’t tonight. I know you don’t care to hear about my kids, but it’s Joe’s turn to be sick.
Is that u cant or u wont
I am not leaving my son.
Fine use him as an excuse u didnt want to go anyway
Why would I go out with someone who refuses to talk to me?
We can talk but not fight
I don’t think you couold insult me any further.
Maybe if u didnt try and pick arguements with me
You’re right,. I’mcompletely and totally to blame.
If u remember u made a comment that i shouldnt be around ur kids cause u thought i was a dangerb to them so im not going around them and u started all this shit to start with
Because uve always spoke before u thought
Things were good between us until u had show ur ass in front of ur mother chose a house over me which told me right there u didnt care anything about me
You said you didn’t want to talk about the house. I did not show my ass, I pointed out that a week was not realistic AND that you didn’t give us the statement we asked for.
Like u said i was a good fuck or lay
And bonus! Your still married to someone else.
You SAID it wasn’t just sex. You SAID you wanted to get married. You SAID to stop shoving my kids down your throat.
I would like to point out that you don’t know if I’m fussin’ or not. There is no tone of voice.
Look whats between me and u is our relationship whats between me and ur mother is between me and her the sooner u realize that our relationship will quit suffering
So you’re sleepin with my mama too?
Dont be smart
But I thought you liked that I’m an intellectual?
Dont be funny
But I don’t want to be gloomy all the time!
Emily do you miss me at all
I did. For a while. Realizing that you weren’t really interested in speaking to me pretty much killed it.
It hurt. A lot. That happens when you take chances.
Well i dont want to aurgue with u alol the time i thought i made that clear when i saw in the store
I get that. But you didn’t bother to communicate other than to text. Even after I asked you to PLEASE talk to me not text.
Emily ur looking for a father for ur kids more than ur looking for a relationship u might know how to please a man physicaly but not emotionaly
…Yeaaaaah you’re fantastic at that whole emotional thing there dude.
Its hard when someone pushed u away
You TOLD me you were looking for a good relationship not just sex.
I was looking for both
I can’t be with someone that refuse to be part of our lives. Maybe you wouldn’t have gotten my children shoved at you if you hadn’t spoken of marriage.
U dont beleive in it anyway
So I’m supposed to abandon my kids and my mama? I don’t think so.
Why did u think u had to do that
You said “marry me.” I said “here are my children. This is my Mama.” Now you say I shoved them down your throat.
Because I cannot dump my children or my mama. Will not. We are a package deal. Buy one get four free.
Well i know whats wrong with u ur under ur mothers thumb cause u want her money and if u dont do what she wants she will cut you out of her will and not give u that trailer uiknow i love my parents but im not going to plant my head up their but to please them i dont care what they had and your mother woukdnt have anything unless it been for your dad cause he got it all.
Now who’s pushing away?
U know u kept telling me that ur mother was off her rocker well guess what ur just like her and getting more like her every day
No, just proving your ignorance.
Nope just telling the truth
Now u have gone where noone has gone before flippy
I maybe alot of things but im not stupid
I said you were ignorant. Which is not the same thing as stupid.
U no what im tired of this u have proved again all u want to do is argue i think thqats enough
I’m just trying to communicate with you. You refuse to talk to me and with a sick kid I don’t have many other options.
U dont know how to commuicate
You don’t know how to listen. I think that pretty well evens us out.
You keep right on thinking that babe.
Just like a women always tryhing to tell you how it is when she has no clue.
Mmhmm
I dont think I know
Yea i can rock your world
I landed on the duct-taped parts
I am not the right woman for him.
I refuse to discuss marriage.
I am shoving my children down his throat.
I am just using him for sex.
I am under my mama’s thumb (and after her money).
I let That House come between us.
I wouldn’t have nothin’ if it weren’t for my Daddy dying. HE worked for it all.
I’m looking for a father for my kids, not a relationship.
The texts keep coming. I flipped the bitchswitch, the cold-as-ice, the “there’s no way in hell I’d speak to you again” mode as soon as he accused me of shoving my children down his throat. I’m already a single mom – I already do it all alone. I’d rather do it alone than with a jackass any day of the week. He asks, textingly, if I miss him. I reply that it doesn’t matter if I miss him or not, he’s not the man for me or my children.
Weeks go by, and I call/text. I need to know when/if he is going to pay his portion of the phone bill. He goes off on a tangent.
His wife, his soon-to-be-ex, his friend stops by and speaks to my manager at work. Leaves a letter for me with him, telling me to leave “her husband” alone. No calling, no texting. He’s in my past, it’d be best to leave him there. Complete with a copy of NC’s “criminal conversation” law. No problem – I call the phone company and have service to that line interrupted. I will not be responsible for a phone bill when I’m “not allowed” to call or text that line.
His parents come in the store, and I ask if he’d reconciled with her. They look at me like I’ve grown horns. I showed them the letter, and how it sounds as if they are back together. They say they’ll take care of it, and we go our separate ways.